Grey Matters

How our understanding of who we are relates to what we believe we can control

Wed, 22 Nov 2023 17:47:55 GMT

An exploration of the Concept-of-Self with locus of control

How much does what we believe about the source of control influence how we feel and think about our lives? Where do we spend our energy and effort? How do we interpret events and experiences? How much weight do we attribute to our own actions? Consider major world events like war, the climate crisis, and systemic discrimination. Now move your mind to country level politics and then to company or institution level decisions and culture. Let’s zoom in to your family and upbringing, to your day-to-day, your key relationships and then moment to moment experience. How much are we shaping or are shaped by our experience? What control do we really have?

Identifying the source of control is highly subjective

We often treat the source of control as a fact: you either have it or you don’t. However, if I told you the pivotal moments and decisions in my life, your take on what was within my control compared to luck or the influence of others may differ from mine. We hear of people taking life by the horns, certain that they are the writers of their own story. They made it happen. At the other end of the spectrum, the same life lived by another could be put down to chance, or powerful people, both good and bad. The systems, cultures, legacies, stories, spiritual or religious beliefs that we live within can influence this too. We don’t control where we are born in the world or who to. At what age or stage does the “agent” start truly controlling who they are and what they do?

Where is control located?

You may be familiar with Locus of Control, a psychological construct which groups control into internal and external sources:

Internal source of control (my life is determined by my own actions)
External source of control through powerful others (I feel like what happens in my life is mostly determined by powerful people),
External source of control through chance or luck (I have often found that what is going to happen will happen).

Awareness of these sources of control may be useful to consider in reflecting on your own choices and experiences. However, things get messy when we start to bring in thought: the subjectivity of experience, perception, and belief. What happens when you believe you have control but don’t?

How you understand the self can influence your perception of control

In a previous article (link in comments) I described the Concept-of-Self: an individual and subjective way of understanding who we are or how we would answer the question “what is a self” or “what is the self”. Through my research I found we understand the self on a spectrum based on three factors:

Stability of Self; the past “you”, present “you”, and future “you” are the same, compared to the belief that the self is an illusion or something we construct like a process (which is not the same over time)
Thoughts of Self; you are the same as your thoughts (they are part of your core self), compared to the belief that the self is an illusion or thoughts are not a representation of “you”
Unity of Self; there is one integrated, united, and true “you” compared to the belief that you have multiple and distinct selves which co-exist

Findings from my research indicate that individuals who understand their thoughts as pure expressions of “being” me (high Thoughts-of-Self) are more likely to believe they have high internal control. That’s a good thing, right? It depends on whether the feeling of control bears out in reality. Even in circumstances where we feel most in control there are interdependencies and influences from others. This is the subjective judgement I described above.

"How much are we shaping or are shaped by our experience?"

Consider something as simple as our thoughts which influence our actions, are we in control of those? Given we don’t choose our next thought, they can tumble out unbidden and most of our unconscious cognition we don’t access, the notion that we control our thinking becomes flawed. If decisions can be made before we are consciously aware of them (and they can), how are we in control? Also, would we want every thought to be a pure expression of “me” if we could capture them all? Imagine a transcript of your every thought for a day. Are they gems of pure expression, contain a load of rubbish and reactions, feel like a lunatic is following you around for the day filling your head with monkey chatter or simply something to notice? You won’t find me volunteering to share mine!

Thoughts and the feelings of control are often the most difficult thing to let go of in mindfulness, the basic premise is you are not your thoughts. If you find the idea of freedom from the curse of thinking liberating, testing the link between the self and thoughts may be helpful. On the flip-side, many may find comfort in belief of high internal control and “my thoughts are me”. Whether illusory or not, living a life where thoughts and the self are intertwined (where you are the curator and creator of your life in full control) is clearly a compelling proposition. We don’t need to look further than LinkedIn or the sizeable self-help section on Amazon to see that at least in the west, this idea dominates. However, what happens when an individual who has high perceived internal control and is guided by their thoughts gets stuck? What if their subjective beliefs about the situation are wrong? What frustrations, ruminations and feelings of guilt will they have when they can’t get what they seek, yet believe they can or should? How will they question the utility of their thoughts? Where can a more nuanced and reasoned understanding of agency be helpful to people rather than what we see in the realms of popular thought leadership what is possible to control or change?

The study also found that high beliefs in internal control was associated with belief “the same me” (Stability-of-Self) exists over time. The idea that who we are now is the same as who we are in the future is therefore linked with belief the source of control is within the individual. The enduring “stable” self over time is therefore associated with belief in ownership of actions. Individuals with this belief may be more inclined to think they have more power to shape what happens in their life, which may or may not be true. Defining truth or what is true comes with its own challenges too! If we could begin with this understanding of subjective nature of belief, at the very least we can be more tolerant during disagreements, with alternative perspectives and understanding why we do what we do. True for me is not the same as true.

Self-awareness and questioning your assumptions help reveal what you control, influence or should accept.

This exploration of the Concept-of-Self and the subjective nature of beliefs and control may leave you feeling energised with possibilities or confused with all the uncertainty. We can take heart in the idea that the more we know ourselves, the more we are aware of what shapes our thinking, feelings, emotions, and experiences. Then, we are closer to recognising what beliefs or assumptions govern our lives: being aware is the first step. Simply notice when you make “choices” how much influence you have over the thoughts and emotions which arise within you. Then, are you adapting your efforts and behaviour appropriately to things you can control, compared to what you can only influence or should redirect your efforts to accept? How can you know if you’re stuck in your own echo chamber and have lost perspective? What are your illusions and how do you hold a mirror to them? Coaching can help you create space between thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behaviour. The experience of coaching can reveal blockers on your beliefs in agency and limiting assumptions, examine the utility of your thinking, and help you operate closer to what is true or real. It is hard to observe ourselves through our own lens. After all, we cannot see through, only with the self. The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

How our understanding of who we are relates to what we believe we can do

Wed, 19 Apr 2023 14:21:17 GMT

An exploration of the Concept-of-Self with Free Will

Consider for a moment the whims, desires, daily activities, and big decisions which cultivate the life you lead. Are they choices you have deliberately made or the results of previous actions which were destined to occur? What was the last big choice point in your life? Did you choose what thoughts you had, or did they arise unbidden? Did you experience the feeling of being guided? A sense of purpose or fate? A calling of the soul? Could you see that it was possible for you to have made different choices? Although our sense of “agency” (belief in the capacity to act) is at the core of behaviour change, we rarely consider the foundational beliefs which shape what we do. More importantly, how we understand who we are (our concept of self) influences our belief in free will.

We use and hear phrases every day, which are suggestive of beliefs tied to free will, such as:

“Whatever happens is supposed to happen”
“It was meant to be”
“It was doomed to fail”
“I need to find my purpose”
“I carve my own path”
“It speaks to my soul”
“I’ve lost my way”

We know what people mean when they say these phrases…….or do we?The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

What is free will?

Free will means always having a choice. Meaning, it was possible to do or choose otherwise if the same preceding sequence of steps and actions occurred again at the same time. This includes “you” being the exact same “you”, with all the same knowledge and experiences who made the choice. Determinism means the opposite; things are pre-ordained. It is not possible to choose otherwise. Here it gets tricky, a phrase like “whatever happens is supposed to happen” is often used to suggest destiny or fate, as though life or a guiding force has a plan. Similarly, “whatever happens is supposed to happen” can also mean a series of prior patterns sets off the next set of patterns: there is no plan, it is simply not possible for anything else to occur.

"If you have a choice, you can change things.

If what is meant to happen will happen, you have no choice".

There is another facet of free will tied to whether we have belief in a non-physical soul (dualism and non-reductionism). This means believing mental states are more than physical occurrences in the brain. Culture, religion, science, and spirituality are intertwined with beliefs in free will. What we say and do isn’t always what we inherently believe when we drill down into it: we are all full of contradictions. Understanding the link between free will (subjective beliefs in agency) with our concept of self (our subjective understanding of the self) paired with coaching can help unlock new insights for growth, development, and change.

Beliefs about free will shape how we interpret our capacity to change

Paying attention to our automatic belief systems can help us identify tensions and contradictions. This also means we can be assassins for testing our assumptions: we can hunt them down with highly tuned skills. If we accept our assumptions as true, then this dictates how we respond. However, if we accept our assumptions as false, then we can re-frame the situation and remove the limiting belief. Imagine you are a leader making a mid-life career decision which is causing you a lot of turmoil and confusion. If you believe in any form of determinism, everything that is going to happen will happen: no matter what you do (including how you make the decision). How should overthinking or ruminating be approached in this context? Acceptance, understanding and reflection may be more useful and help you approach decisions with more ease and patience. Conversely, the same decision with a belief in free will has a different level of responsibility. Plus, the decision-making process you use is part of the decision itself that will affect the outcome!

"Paying attention to our automatic belief systems

can help us identify tensions and contradictions.

This also means we can be assassins for testing our assumptions:

we can hunt them down with highly tuned skills".

The more we know ourselves, the more we are aware of what shapes our thinking, feeling, emotion and experiences: our beliefs. Being aware is the first step. Simply notice when you make “choices” how much influence you have over the thoughts which arise within you. How much attention should you pay to them? Frame overthinking with assassin thinking. Find out what beliefs are driving your choices and whether you chose or inherited those beliefs from family, faith, culture or somewhere else in your life. Western influences espouse the personal power, influence, and ownership of creating the life you want, which based on your belief system may feel like a pressure cooker of contradiction. Eastern influences which are increasingly popular in the west espouse and mindfulness-based philosophies, the power of acceptance, letting go and presence. In summary, if you have free will, then you can choose your beliefs. If you don’t believe in free will, how do you want to approach and experience life?

How you understand the Concept of Self can influence your belief in free will

In a previous article (link below) I described how we understand the self based on three factors :

Stability of Self ; the past “you”, present “you”, and future “you” are the same, compared to the belief that the self is an illusion or something we construct (which is not the same over time)
Thoughts of Self ; you are the same as your thoughts (they are part of your core self), compared to the belief that the self is an illusion and thoughts are not a representation of “you ”
Unity of Self ; there is one integrated, united, and true “you” compared to the belief that you have multiple and distinct selves which co-exist

How we understand the self (our concept of self) has a relationship with beliefs in free will. Notably, individuals who believe the self is illusory or a narrative construct we create, are less likely to believe they have personal agency in their life. So, people who believe the self is the same over time, are more likely to believe in free will. Also, people who believe in a single united “one” self are more likely to believe in souls, suggesting a higher belief in the mind body relationship. This matters because when we talk about behaviour change, the individual reality of how we understand who we are can give us clues about what other beliefs may be linked. Of note is our attitude to free will and determinism or the assumption of self or no-self. What one person may see as liberating others perceive as inhibiting happiness or meaning in life. The key is knowing our beliefs and how they shape our daily experience.

Self-awareness of beliefs is essential for coaches and can be utilised in coaching

There are two selves in the coaching relationship who each have beliefs about the self and agency which can be different. Beliefs, both conscious and unconscious can arouse strong emotions and be heavily defended. So, how can coaches work with their self as an instrument without influencing the coaching session? For example, contrast how differently coaches who believe in free will (always having a choice) versus determinism (things are preordained) might work with the same client on the same goal. It seems implausible that a fundamental belief like this wouldn’t shape understanding of behaviour. If you have a choice, you can change things. If what is meant to happen will happen, you have no choice. They are two different concepts of agency: understanding how they manifest through language can help coaches operate in their client’s reality rather than their own.

If you are a coach, what is your psychological philosophy to explain behaviour change? They are not all the same and each have a different evidence base. Domains to explain behaviour can come from a wide range such as neuroscientific, behavioural, or cognitive behavioural perspectives, others from a more humanistic, somatic, systems or solutions-based perspective. Are emotions data, do they tell us something important or are they mental states triggered by neurophysiological responses? Is our thinking something to change, accept or observe? How did you choose your foundational philosophy? Was it a deliberate and conscious decision or were you drawn to one over the other? How might your concept of self or beliefs in free will have influenced this?

"This is important because apparent erroneous assumptions

and obvious cognitive errors to one person,

may be a strong belief system to another".

Beyond the self as the essential tool in coaches, the interventions and tools the coach uses are also anchored in such beliefs and philosophies. Some approaches will be jarring to the client’s or the coach’s beliefs. Assumptions of free will may be more appropriate to goal visualisation (shaping purpose in life) and learning from past decisions. The W at the end of GROW stands for “Will” after all! Whereas psychodynamic coaching to manage life-script patterns or mindfulness to accept the inevitable may be a better fit for clients who believe in determinism. Similarly, ontological interventions which use the body as an integrated system or coaching the soul matches beliefs that the mind cannot be reduced to basic biology. Other coaching approaches which use a cognitive behavioural, biological, or neuroscientific approach may be more suitable for clients who believe the self is illusory or that mental states are pure mental phenomena. This is important because apparent erroneous assumptions and obvious cognitive errors to one person, may be a strong belief system to another. How does a coach effectively use the self in a belief system which contradicts the foundations of their change practice? Can they adapt? Should they adapt?

Free will and the concept of self seem like big topics but are littered in everyday coaching conversations. For example, purpose, goals, authenticity, happiness, overthinking, triggers and emotional responses, meaning and life paths, and any decision about work and family. Ultimately, clients come to coaching with a belief in free will (or determinism), or perhaps contradictions and tensions which may be linked to their sense of agency and understanding of the self. This is paired with influences and beliefs from the various systems in their life, either conscious or unconscious. Coaches can recognise assumptions and beliefs at the foundations of behaviour change through the language of their clients. But first, they must understand their own.

Link to article about the Concept-of-Self

Learn more about the author, Heather Frost.

What do we mean by “the self” and why this matters in coaching

Wed, 25 Jan 2023 14:37:04 GMT

An exploration of the Concept-of-Self and implications for behaviour change

What is “the self” or a “self”? Pause for a moment and try to answer this seemingly simple question. How well would your answer hold up to scrutiny? Most of us begin strong in our explanation, but soon go around in circles, contradict ourselves, or get stuck. These sensations get worse when we start asking sensible questions, such as:

Is the self a “thing” that exists or an “idea” of ourselves?
If you look for the self, can you find it? Does it have a physical location?
How changeable is it? Can the self be lost, eliminated, or recreated? Does the self endure throughout our lives like a thread?
What is the role of culture or religion in shaping how we understand what the self is?

What does a phrase like “I’m not myself today” mean?

Who are you instead?

Despite over 150 “self” terms such as self-awareness, self-knowing, and self-realisation, and over 70,000 “self-help” books on Amazon, there is no agreed definition of what the self is. Where else would we accept this discrepancy? Western cultures seem obsessed with the self, yet content not knowing how to define it. Perspectives from the east suggest the self is illusory, non-existent, and unhelpful, a view which is gaining traction in the west. Development of the self is even gaining traction in vertical leadership development and “understanding self” is a core competency for coaches. Yet within the field of coaching, each associated methodology is tied to a foundational theory to explain behaviour change, bringing more definitions of the self. For centuries, the greatest thinkers in psychology, theology, philosophy, and recently neuroscience, have debated theories of the self. If they can’t agree or explain what the self is, what hope do we have of making it clear?

Defining the self is not the problem. We have an inordinate number of incompatible and contradictory definitions. More importantly, agreement wouldn’t solve the underlying issue: there is no empirical truth or objective way to prove what the self is. Even if such proof existed, educating (or convincing) people would be another matter. We do not see through , but rather with the self. Whatever way we each think about it, it is through our own unique lens: our experience is our own. This subjective nature means how we understand the self is a belief. We know beliefs when challenged can trigger strong emotions, are easily aroused and are heavily defended. We also know that beliefs shape behaviour and are central to the work in coaching. Meaning, coaches are working with the self whether they intend to or not. How can coaches integrate ideas of the self more effectively within their practice?

Focus less on defining and more about increasing awareness

The goal isn’t to have one agreed definition, this has questionable use for behaviour change. Instead, increased awareness of how we each think about what the self is, becomes a data point. Coaches can help their clients bring their perspective into the light of day: into conscious awareness rather than an inherent unattended belief. Just as organisations seek data about their operations through reporting, individuals can seek data about their internal processes through reflection. Why wouldn’t we want to know and understand a foundational view of who we are that may unwittingly influence our beliefs, motivations, assumptions, sense of agency, capacity to act and change?

Language is loaded with meaning

Each time we use words like “I”, “me” or “myself” we express an automatic idea of our view of the self. The words we use carry meaning irrespective of whether we have thought about ideas of the self in this way before. The strength of the self has a stamp like quality on our identity and personality. For coaches, this means the coaching conversation holds signals of the clients understanding, scattered throughout their sentences: “that’s such a ‘me’ thing to do”. Powerful questions can unlock new meaning and help the client see how their understanding of themselves may inhibit or liberate them in achieving their goals.

Individuals understand their concept of “self” in three key ways and can vary widely

There are three factors at play in how we understand the self: stability of the self, thoughts of the self and unity of the self. Stability of the self relates to the notion of “sameness” and psychological continuity over time. For coaches, phrases such as “old me”, “present me” and “future me” may not mean the same thing to a client. It could relate to distinct phases of who they are, an evolution or represent consistency. Thoughts of the self relates to how we interpret the meaning of our thoughts. Are our thoughts patterns and reactions to experiences which should be noticed and scrutinised, or expressions of an inner voice which we should listen and pay attention to? Finally, unity of the self relates to the idea of “oneness” and integration compared to multiplicity where there are many distinct parts of the self. For example, themes of unity versus multiplicity emerge in coaching when a client is searching for their “true” self, seeking “authentic” leadership, or attempting to understand an experience where they “didn’t feel like themselves”. Simply being aware of the three factors can help clients detangle assumptions, test interpretations and make meaning from experiences more effectively.

Coaching is a vehicle for increasing self-awareness

The role of coaching bridges the subjective and introspective inner world of the client with the outer world they behave in. How “I” understand “me” and make sense of “my” world and experience is a fundamental question for understanding human behaviour. Coaches can notice the language of the client, recognise that clients understand the self differently, get curious and use open questions to elicit awareness. Each time a client decides how much of who they were before is a part of who they want to be now (stability), tries to make big life decisions, and weigh their thinking (thoughts) or wants to bring more of themselves to work (unity), coaches are working with the Concept of Self. Coaches can also consider the suitability of the coaching intervention. Psychodynamic approaches for example have an assumption of the self over time. Mindfulness coaching which separates the self from thoughts or cognitive behavioural approaches may be a better fit for clients who do not share this view. As a coach, is the intervention based on your beliefs or those of your client when there is no “right” way to understand the self?

There are two selves in the coaching relationship

For coaches to effectively work with the self in their client work, they must understand how they define the self and what influence this may have on their beliefs. There are two selves in the coaching relationship and the way these interact shapes the working dynamic. Coaches learn about tools and techniques and the impact this may have on their clients. The self is a mandatory tool that can’t be shed: it is there all the time and must be utilised effectively and ethically. It will have an impact on your client. Because the self and how we think about it changes, this is ongoing work for coach development and maturity.

Find out more about the author Heather Frost.